I recently experienced what turned out to be a minor legal incident. Long, (long, long) story short, I made a mistake regarding the speed limit and a local school zone. In my minivan. On my way to teach children at a school. I know, how do I get myself into these situations right? Rather than get a ticket, I received a court date.
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| I put this on TBMB this week but felt it was also good here! |
I try to be very honest here on the blog, but sometimes in blog/social media land, it's easy to paint a picture of "all is well" and "nothing ever goes wrong." It is my goal to have a little corner of this vast internet, and to make my corner a bright, happy, inspiring place in the midst of the darkness that the Internet (and world) can sometimes be. It is not my goal to paint a fake picture of perfection. Today's story is a prime example.
So, the legal incident: At first I was ruined. Useless. Pouty. Nervous. Yikes. I had no idea what to do or expect. No control whatsoever.
I don't believe that God creates "pain", (and no, this does not compare to most of the pain out there) but I do think that he is really good at using situations like this one to make me (maybe you?) a better person.
You see, I had no other choice but to try out this "give it up to God" scenario that I've always heard about. What does that mean anyway? Give it to God.
Well, in this case, I think it meant:
"God, Kelly here. I messed up. I'm not asking you to swoop in and fix my problems like a genie or something, (although, it wouldn't upset me if you did). But I do want you to know, that I feel like you've got me and I trust you. Whatever happens here, please be with me and guide me. Show me that you are in control here and help me to put it into your hands, whatever that means."
This didn't all come out right away. It wasn't some bright light moment. It first came the next day when I prayed with my in-laws about it. After that, resources began to pop up. People who knew what they were talking about in situations like this one. People who could tell me what the day was going to look like and worst case scenarios. Sermons about bad things happening to good people. Personal bible time that reflected verses of God's promises.
Somewhere in that process my prayer became:
"God, Jesus promised rest in Him. (in Matthew) Please just keep me and my over-thinking ball of anxiety brain calm. Help me find rest in you" Whenever I got worked up about it after that, I remembered this moment and felt calmer.
The day finally came. I was nervous, yes, but I wasn't going to lose it. I was ready to accept that I made a mistake and that it would be okay despite potentially bad outcomes. I think that that is what God did for me. He prepared me, he calmed me, he had me, and I was keenly aware of that in the moment.
God didn't promise that I would have a perfect life. In fact, it's the opposite. He said, you WILL have hard times. Those are not going to go away, that's life. (that's not a direct quote). But God does promise that He has me and loves me.
I don't think that the answer to prayer here was to just fix it. I think that the answer to prayer here chalks down to worship. Did I sing songs to God in the court room? No. That's not what I meant. But I feel like my understanding of the fact that He is God and I am not was really deepened. And that is what I believe worship means. (which on a side note, also really allows me to understand Job a little better.)
As far as court goes: The day went better than expected. I am very impressed with the judge in the short time that I spent in the room. He seemed very understanding and appeared to show discernment (not just with me). Maybe that's why he's a judge. I am responsible for a (pretty hefty, no pun intended, but not as bad as it could be) fine as well as driving school.
This situation wasn't good. But He is. All the time.
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